Three days ago, I woke up around 3 am on the verge of puking in bed. I rushed out of the orphanage, which is the name of the bedroom which sleeps my entire family of six, and skipped downstairs to go outside. I dry heaved off the back porch for a few minutes while mosquitoes tried to gulp down every ounce of blood.

I went back upstairs with two grocery bags for just in case, and laid back down next to my six-year-old.

“You okay?” asked Savanna.
“Yeah. I thought I was going to puke.”
“Oh, no.”
“Yeah. Don’t worry about it. Get some rest.”

Later that morning, my chest and lungs hurt. I had tightness in my chest, pain in my lungs, and an unbearable pressure too close to my heart for comfort. I tried to go about my day as normal by bringing a visiting friend and his daughter to Homer for a halibut charter before helping Savanna prepare for the Thursday Farmer’s Market, but the entire drive to Homer was accompanied by sporadic bursts of pain and tightness.

I returned home, sat at the table to eat a bowl of oatmeal, and was shocked at the level of increased pain in my chest. I told Savanna about it, and she urged me to make an appointment to see a doctor.

Unfortunately, VA medical coverage requires 2-3 weeks for prior authorization to approve an appointment outside of a VA clinic. The nurse at Seldovia Village Tribe advised me that I may not have 2-3 weeks to wait.

I packed my bowl of oatmeal into the Pontiac Vibe and drove back to Homer to check in at the Emergency Room.

On my drive to town, I was struck by the memory of my own mother dying from lung cancer. I became overwhelmed by the thought of dying and having to say goodbye to my beautiful children, who would be forced to grow up without a father- just like I did. I pictured my dear wife, Savanna, crying by my bedside as I lay dying from cancer and then raising our four kids on her own. This momentary flash of imagination caused a burst of tears that were quickly wiped away.

These thoughts were followed by the instant realization that I had been wasting my precious time on shit that doesn’t really matter. Hours wasted on social media in the name of promotion, advertising, and “making a difference”. Hours wasted scrolling, commenting, following, and wondering about people I had not talked to in years, probably never would again, or had never spoken to at all. Energy wasted worrying about what people think about me, people who truly do not give a shit.

I thought to myself, If they tell me I have cancer or some kind of heart problem, what will I do for the remainder of my days?

My first thought was, Spend time with my kids, my wife, my friends, my God, and family members who truly love me. Write as much as I can. And be outdoors..

That’s it.

That is what I need to be doing with my life.

The medical personnel hooked me up to an EKG machine, ran an x-ray of my chest, swabbed my nose for viruses, and performed a blood test. All the results came back clean.

So far so good…
But it sure as shit put straight the things that really matter in my life.
We all need a wake-up call now and then, and I just got one.
Time to zero my scope on what really counts.