Every night I lay in bed wondering if tonight is the night that the twins will be. When my suffering spouse will deliver two babies from her vagina and end the ultra-marathon that she has been running for the past 9 months. She bears the burdens of pelvic pain, heartburn, constipation, lack of appetite, thirst, swollen feet, ankles and legs, achy joints, an opening cervix/vagina, total body discomfort, a terrible rash, and a cold, with grace and dignity. Despite her positive well-being, Savanna is ready to meet the babies, and so am I.

The kids’ bags are packed and at their surrogate grandparents’ house ready for them to be away from home for a night or two. Our neighbor is ready to fill the generator and do chores if an emergency takes place. Our freezer is full, our diaper supply is plumb, and we have enough baby wipes to last at least three months. Yet the wait continues…

Savanna created a baby registry at the beginning of the pregnancy after finding out that about the twins. We had one with our first child as well, not the second, but then we realized that we could use some help with the twins and that a lot of folks wanted to offer assistance. And let me tell ya, the amount of support that we have received from friends, family, and total strangers has been incredible. Boxes and boxes of diapers, baby wipes, baby outfits (both male and female), holy water, a diaper backpack, burp cloths, a handmade baby blanket, more diapers, an iPad, and on and on… The love we feel is tremendous, and the joy that babies bring to our family, and the wider world, is a miracle to witness firsthand.

While deep below the goodness of this time beckon the fears.

What if one, or both, of the babies dies in childbirth? What if one, or both, of them are born with severe mental challenges? How would that impact our family? What if Savanna is badly injured in the birth, or even killed, and I not only lose the mother to our kids but my best friend and lover?

When I lie in bed at night trying to fall asleep, I think about friends who lost babies, and I almost weep for them. I think about neighbors who tried, and tried, and tried and almost gave up after X number of IVF treatments until finally, a baby grew and was born. And I think about the other men, women, and people who cannot get pregnant no matter what.

When the fears get to flowing and the images of sad people unable to carry babies circle around and I start to feel afraid of what might happen- I pray, and I breathe. Nothing helps me to be calm, accepting, and present like deep breathing, quiet moments, and earnest prayer. I know the jokes about ignorant people who find relief during suffering by saying it’s “God’s Will, Not Mine”, I used to make jokes myself about people who thought like this, but having faith in God really does help an ignorant man like me to realize that a bigger plan is at play.

So during this liminal time, no matter what you believe, please keep sending prayers, positive thoughts, and good vibrations.

We certainly feel the love.