I am not the jealous type, I never have been. Of course, I can remember instances when I was, and it wasn’t fun for any body. I am not perfect, I admit it, and I have been feeling quite jealous lately.

A writer colleague was awarded the ability to travel around the state doing readings in remote communities all paid for by grants, foundations, and government funding. What will that do for her author career!? Instead of being fully excited for her, I keep wondering… Why not me? Is it because I am self-published? Is it because Warflower isn’t that great? Is it because I live in the middle of nowhere and I don’t socialize in literary circles? Is it because I am a straight, white, conservative man? Or does it have nothing to do with me at all?

These thoughts lead to…

Why don’t any Alaskan writer’s organizations or conferences ask me to participate as an author? Why is it that I have attended dozens of readings in Homer and across the state where I have bought books by authors and had them sign them, yet I don’t have any support from the same authors at my readings or at all? Why not? Because I don’t have a Master of Fine Arts? Because I am rough-around-the edges and not an intellectual type?

These thoughts lead to…

Millions of people run successful businesses as artists and non-artists alike. While our family business, Secret Garden Alaska, can’t seem to find a niche to be profitable.
What are we doing wrong?

Why is this stream of thoughts passing through my mind? I am not a psychologist, but I can theorize on my own mind better than anybody. My second book is nearing completion and I am nervous about its release. To escape the nervousness, I am having so much fun writing a novel only to later wonder if I am wasting time. I started looking into agents and publishers, but I don’t have confidence that my next book will be picked up. Magical Realism set in Alaska during COVID lockdowns isn’t on the manuscript wish list of any agents that I have found… And sales have plummeted for Warflower.

What has helped me more than anything during this difficult time? A combination of things. I identify the emotions and accept them. I turn down the voice that says, Quit whining, you pansy. Be a man and buck up! Because I know that millions of others deal with similar thoughts, and they either bottle them up or numb them out. Life doesn’t always feel good. My thoughts and feelings pass a lot quicker when I don’t latch onto them. I pray regularly for God to remove my feelings of being not good enough, and I told my wife about it. It helps by working through the jealousy and feelings by focusing on what really matters to me, not what matters to anybody else.

What really matters to me?

God, Family, Writing, Farming.

As long as I continue to pray and focus on God; to place my immediate family before social circles, (I have two healthy daughters, a wonderful wife, and twins on the way- get over yourself, Robert, for Christ’s sake,); to put pen to paper while increasing my list of published works; and to work this land with multi-generational stewardship in mind.
I am accomplishing my goals and dreams.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.