When I first drove through Anchor Point, on my way to Bobby’s house (I had only left Homer twice in my life – once to go to Salmonfest in 2014, and once to go to the airport in 2015) I thought it was so freakin magical! It was raining, there was a young boy walking along the side of the road. I absolutely loved the small town feel. I had once loved Homer in this way, and eventually grew to dislike it – the nonstop talk about how there was only one traffic light – which apparently meant the town was super small. However, Homer was, and is, bursting at its seams and really is too big for its britches. Yes, I know I will get a lot of hate mail for this alone, but I am prepared. I adored Homer, partly why I never left it to go explore, the other part is because I’m a huge chicken. 

I just love small towns. When I drove onto my future driveway, I was impressed with how long it was! I’m from a Midwest suburb, everyone has concrete driveways. How cute was this narrow dirt drive? Freakin adorable. And a mud pit. Every spring Bobby and I do “the shuffle”. This is where we start a bunch of plants inside. Once they get big enough and the weather is nice enough, we move each flat of plants to the greenhouse. In the late afternoon/evening we bring the plants back inside. It’s definitely a time consuming chore with love and devotion at its core. During “mud season” this used to take us even longer!! The mud would get so thick you could not push or pull a cart through it. One year we decided to gravel the driveway. We got typar laid down and widened and lengthened our driveway (we were using bamboo diapers for our first daughter that are apparently compostable or something (go andypandy!) and I’m pretty sure if I remember correctly we shoved a ton of diapers between the ground and the typar just for the hell of it! Sort of like a time capsule I suppose ). That next mud season our lives were CHANGED. Instead of taking 2-3 hours each “shuffle” we could spend 1 hour taking plants back and forth on a cart. Our feet were no longer getting stuck in the mud. Me and my weak ankles weren’t falling all over the place. And every day we walked over that gravel we shouted “thank you god!” and we would laugh and laugh at the ridiculousness of our life before.

It wasn’t long into summer when I started getting pretty annoying with the sand in the house. Where the hell is all this sand coming from?! The beach is across the highway from us for godsakes! It was driveway sand. The dogs hair just attracts it and there’s no escaping it. I’ve almost forgotten about the mud by now but the sand….it haunts me everyday. Will be floor ever be clean? Will my sheets ever not be sandy? Is this a problem in any other household?!

May I go into detail about our beds for a moment. When we first married, we were sleeping on a hide-a-bed. This was a 1970s looking couch that pulled out. Every morning we made the bed, folded it up and put the couch back together giving each other a kiss. Every night we took off all the cushions and unfolded the bed out. It rocked. I loved that couch. One of the legs broke and we were about to have our first baby and in a book we were reading on parenting it talked about the importance of a nice family bed, or even just the bed the mother will be in. So Bobby sprang at the chance to buy me my dream cloud bed. It’s an all wool bed (thank you Home of Wool!) with bamboo sheets. It’s glorious. And rock solid. Now, I prefer a firm bed. For me…it’s perfect! For Bobby who can have lung issues, maybe it’s too firm. We bought a toddler bed from this same company that we decided to go the thickest (ours was the thinnest) and let me tell you, that bed is PLUSH. I’m currently sleeping in between my bed (the rarest spot I sleep), the bed the girls are sharing (a futon that we bought to sit on but is way to uncomfortable to sit earning it the nickname the taco couch), and the plush toddler bed. The toddler bed slides under the futon in the day and at night I pull it out to sleep on when one of the girls wakes up in the middle of the night. But as much as I love all these beds really, I’m driven mad by the SAND. If you could just see it….you’d understand my frustration and concern. Again….does anyone else live like this?!

We did put up a fence this year to finish off our driveway. 6 foot high welded wire with 2 feet of barbed wire across the top. Yes, we are already preparing to keep boys out of the girls’ lives. 600 ft across and however long to complete almost 4 acres, of protected landscape. We didn’t have the time to put up the gate this year. We are currently stringing across a piece of the fence across the driveway and just hooking it in. It has been a game changer. We haven’t had any moose in our yard munching our trees or scaring us on trips to the outhouse. Our new neighbors who are squatting have acquired 3 dogs that bark and chase us if we walk down the road. There are dog tracks all along the fence line where our goats and chickens live. We are so damn grateful for this fence. But I am the garage door opener! Since I hardly ever drive, and never if Bobby is coming with us, it is my duty to open and close the gate. It’s fun, I wind myself up in a ball of the fence, dance like I’m in a cage as Bobby and the girls drive through (they love it!) EVERY TIME. Lately I’ve been dreading that in and out of the car, picking up this heavy ass fence that it tough to wrestle out of the snow. I’ve been wishing I had an easier more convenient way.

My last little love/hate I’ll get into is our lights. We had candles when I moved in here. Bobby has always been very content keeping it minimal (see my post about minimalism). When we finally got electricity flowing to our outlets we laughed and laughed every time we turned on our construction light that was clamped to a shelf. How cool is this?! We got a standing lamp. It changed our night time reading game. A few months ago we had a neighbor come over and do some work for us. He hooked us up with lights you turn on WITH A SWITCH. It’s freaking incredible. The kitchen, bedroom and bathroom all have a light switch. I’m jazzed. Our daughter is still turning lights off and on. But the lights flicker. All of them. The lamps are especially bad. It’s not a big flicker. It’s the low grade , am I going crazy kind of flicker. It can really get us feeling sick sometimes and sometimes it makes you want to just break every damn dish in the house so we keep the lights off. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is how quickly I find myself being discontent. These luxuries that I, in almost no time, find to be primitive. Of course it comes in waves… I still love our driveway, my dream bed, electricity!…. (We won’t mention Homer or Anchor Point LOL!) Why am I being so ungrateful? It can be scary for me to think of this…sickness… creeping in to my life. Sure, it doesn’t seem so bad, no need to be extreme, but what if I start feeling this way toward people in my life? Could I ever feel this way about my husband and children? God, I hope and pray that I don’t. Do I already feel this way toward others? People who are dying often talk about how they wish they wouldn’t take things for granted. I know I am doing this in some of my relationships, if not all to a degree. 

Maybe even with myself. Bobby asked me the other night to name two strengths and two weaknesses I have. Immediately I was able to spit two weaknesses. 1. I am disorganized, distracted more accurately. I have a planner, but never look/check it to keep appointments and events. I never put things away because I’m too busy doing something next that “needs” immediate attention. 2. I’m irritable. I lose my fucking cool in a blink of an eye. In my defense it takes a while. I guess it just builds up in there. I don’t even notice I’m getting upset. I’ve been diagnosed with a”adjustment disorder with mixed emotions and disturbing conduct” (I love to say in an exaggerated tone I have adjustment disorder when I’m laughing at myself). But it all just comes in one big blow. Onto my strengths…. I spoke very slow….number 1…….I am great at serving others. I love taking care of people, my family ESPECIALLY. It’s like a high for me. I very much enjoy it. The act of putting others first really does bring me joy. In our house we have a little piece hanging that reads:

“Cherishing Others

All living beings,
starting from insects
want happiness and
not suffering.
However
we are only one,
whereas others are infinite
in numbers.
Thus it can be clearly
decided that others
gainings happiness
is more important than
just yourself alone.

– H. H. The XIVth Dalai Lama”

But I couldn’t think of a second strength. I nervously asked my husband to tell me another one of mine. He gave me more time to think and think and think until he eventually just felt plain bad for me and told me another strength he sees in me. 

But I couldn’t believe how hard it was for me to even be grateful for the qualities in myself. Why am I overlooking these?

Why am I, along with so many others in this world, subject to such discontent? How do the rare few who aren’t do it? I know it is by practicing gratitude. For YEARS I had a gratitude jar. Every day I would write down one thing I was grateful for. At the new year, I would glue each item into my journal. This would allow me to revisit my entire year and see how beautiful not only my life, but my heart is. 

So what can I do today if that doesn’t seem so attainable to me right now? I can’t even remember to brush my hair every day even though I’m trying (I know folks, first time in 20 years? I’m brushing everyday! Well, almost…kind of…). How can I remember to start my day with gratitude? A simple prayer…a quick list of 1-5 things I’m grateful for…How can I remember to take time of my day to just close my eyes and feel gratitude welling up inside of me like I used to?

I want to be able to occupy my mind with more important matters. Why the hell do I care to even think about my sandy sheets and flickering lights every day when there are people in this world who need my attention and care. And of course my children, my husband, family, friends and community…but I’m talking global people! I want to be more grateful for my beautiful, incredibly blessed life so that I may have the space to touch the hearts of others who need it. 

Merry Christmas. May all beings be happy and free.