11/14/2020: 10:03 PM: Journal Entry
Do you ever feel like you’re one second away from losing your shit all over your neighbor’s yard and then punching them in the face when they come and ask you about it?
Does your breath turn shallow and fast, eyes rapid and alert, heart beating so loud it’s all you can hear and your mind on the brink of rage?
Does it seem to… no, has it definitely elevated since Covid stormed through and everybody seems to treat you like a potential carrier and you look at everybody as a potential carrier and all you want is to hug your friends and not to worry about your baby having long term lung damage and being stuck in an ICU without any visitors? Do you question whether you should skip the single social event you do all week because the couple you meet with work around people and one of them refuses to wear a mask anywhere they go and you don’t want them to give it to you or your baby and wife and then to pass it on to other people?
Do you ever feel like you’re in a war zone where everybody is a potential bad guy and then you read the news or have a single conversation with someone other than your spouse and you are reminded that our country is not nearly as safe as we’ve been duped into believing?
Do you ever worry that inflation is going to hit in a year or so and food prices will be so high you can’t afford them and you don’t understand where all of this money is coming from that seems to be handed out for free to people?
Do you ever worry that supply lines will shut down and mass chaos will ensue like the type of chaos you were involved with when you first invaded Iraq in 2003?
Do you worry that the one or five newcomers at your AA meeting have the virus and don’t really give a shit because they either want to die or have harder things to worry about and they’ll pass it to you while you share air with them then you bring it home to your family and the one older gentleman who trained you on beekeeping and is now teaching you about buttermilk and then he passes it to his wife and they both die because they must be in their eighties?
Do you ever think that people think you’re letting down the newcomer and not holding true to the responsibility declaration because you aren’t spending time with newcomers when they call you because you’re not spending time with anybody outside of your tiny bubble because you are definitely serious about this damn virus?
Are you ever so overwhelmed by the closing of schools, businesses, travel, and social bonds that you sit on the kitchen floor with your eyes closed and count down from 100, then pray, then practice deep breaths again, then remind yourself that you’re at home and not at war and that you can focus on the Bruce Lee poster above your head instead of fear, and then you open your eyes and realize it’s already 9:00 PM and you still haven’t made the pizza you promised your wife because you’ve been tinkering inside and outside your mind for hours?
Do you ever search for the words to describe how you feel but come up with nothing because it’s such a vast array of mixed emotions you feel lost trying to explain them so you sum them up with “anxious” or “confused” or “triggered” or “trapped?”
Do you ever talk with somebody you really look up to who refuses to wear a mask because of his constitutional right but then you talk to somebody else you really look up to and they haven’t left their house in two weeks and thinks the virus may wipe out mankind if we don’t multiply our safety measures so then you feel lost on where you stand and how to lead your family because you want safety first but you also don’t trust your government because they ordered you to terrorize people in the name of freedom?
Do you too want to stay at home for six months eating canned goods and riding this one out instead of being overwhelmed by mixed data and alternate opinions but you just bought plane tickets to visit your wife’s family in Missouri and you don’t want to let her and them down by backing out, especially because a handful of them have already had Covid and some of them don’t think it’s really a big deal, so then you feel like a coward?
Am I the only person feeling and thinking all of these crazy things? Because sometimes I feel like I’m about to lose my shit all over the neighbor’s lawn then punch them in the face when they call me out on it.
Yes yes yes! The stress of Covid never leaves my thoughts. The stress of who I have seen, who they have seen, who have l hugged, who have they hugged, who’s breath did I breathe and who I might kill. I’ve never had so many worries about so many things connected to just one action. It is so hard to explain the emotions linked to this fear. It seems the positive and reassuring emotions are replaced by the overwhelming feeling of not being safe. This has forced us to question everything we do. Then question was it the right decision? Then the What Ifs! I know we can’t control our destiny but I don’t want to give destiny a helping hand. The hardest part for me is to be alone with my choices not to do things and miss out, but this I shall do to get through this awful pandemic.You are not alone feeling and thinking crazy. You, Savanna and Primrose Lynn being safe,healthy and happy is what I pray for. So save those plane tickets for a time when our minds are at ease. Never feel like a coward. Trust your instincts. I respect the decisions you make. I know they were always in the best interest of your family. Savanna and Prim are in good hands. You are an incredible man and I love you!
Thank you for the kind words and depth. It’s great to know I’m not alone. We look forward to our visit, hopefully we can gather sometime in 2021. We love you!